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A woman's husband...
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside
every single day. One day when he woke up, he motioned
for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered,
eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me
through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there
to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started
failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."
Murphy is visiting...
Murphy is visiting his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
"Me feet are fuckin' freezing mate!" Paddy says, "Could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," Murphy replies. He runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fuck off you liar!". they exclaim in unison.
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course both of them! What's the use of fuckin' one?"
How many babies...
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What's the difference...
What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Why are pirates...
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aaarrrrr!
How do you keep...
How do you keep a bunch of twats in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
An eskimo is fishing...
An eskimo is fishing in an ice hole. He's been there for four hours with no bites when suddenly he hears a booming voice; "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE! PLEASE LEAVE THIS PLACE!"
"Are you God?" the eskimo asks.
"NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!"
Michael Jackson...
What do Michael Jackson and Father Christmas have in common?
They both walk into a room full of children and come out with their sacks empty.
Michael Jackson...
What do Michael Jackson and a PlayStation have in common?
They are both made of plastic and get turned on when little boys touch them.
Michael Jackson...
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys.
Michael Jackson...
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's white, made from plastic, and harmful to children, the other you carry your groceries in.
Michael Jackson...
What do Michael Jackson and McDonald's have in common?
They both stick 40 year old meat between 5 year old buns.
Why did the woman...
Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what's she doing out of the kitchen?!
Why did the dead baby...
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
How do you make a dead baby...
How do you make a dead baby float?
A glass of Coke and two scoops of dead baby.
Two Irish men were walking through a forest...
Two Irish men were walking through a forest when they saw a sign saying "Tree fellers needed".
One looks at the other and says "Arr, tis a shame Paddy aint wit' us"
Two atoms are walking down the street...
Two atoms are walking down the street. One turns to the other and is like "Dude, I lost an electron!" and the other replies, "You sure man?" and the first one responds, "Yeah dude, I'm positive!!!"
A man walks into a pub...
A man walks into a pub in Wales and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the barman looks around and says: “You ain’t from around here, are you boy?”
The man says, “I’m from London.”
The barman asks, “What d’you do in London?”
The man responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The barman asks, “A taxidermist… what the fuck is a taxidermist?”
The man says “I mount animals.”
The barman grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s alright boys, he’s one of us!”
A woman buys a mirror...
A woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
The husband says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.
Again, there’s a bright flash…and his legs fall off.
History of fuck...
The word "fuck" has been used by many notable people throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” General Custer
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” Captain of the Titanic
“Thats not a real fucking gun.” John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?” Richard Nixon
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” Anne Boleyn
“Let the fucking woman drive.” Commander of Space Shuttle “Challenger”
“What fucking map?” Mark Thatcher
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!” Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?” Pythagoras
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” Michaelangelo
“Fuck a duck.” Walt Disney
“Why? Because its fucking there!” Edmund Hilary
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” Noah
Jesus was preaching...
Jesus was preaching to his disciples and said "Come forth and you shall win eternal life."
John came fifth and won a toaster.
A man walks into a doctor's office...
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
An Irish woman was in bed...
A Irish woman was in bed with her lover when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband.
He glared at her lover and bellowed, “What t'e fuck're you doin’?”
“You see?” The woman said, “I told you he was stupid”
Worms...
I have no idea how worms reproduce, but one often finds them in pears.
What do you call...
What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A leisure center.
What's the best thing...
What’s the best thing that ever happened between England and Ireland?
The Irish Sea.
What do you call...
What do you call a Welshman with a lot girlfriends?
A Shepherd.
Knock, knock...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Nobody.
Nobody who?
...
Doctor, doctor...
Doctor, doctor, I'm losing my memory! What should I do?”
Pay in advance.
Why are you ...
Why are you so fat?
'Cause every time I fuck your momma she gives me a cookie.
Doctors...
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Pupil: A doctor
Teacher: Why?
Pupil : Because its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes & ask her husband to pay for it.
George Bush goes to a primary school...
George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers to answer some of the children’s questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
“Bob” he says.
“And what is your question, Bob?”
“I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you resident when Kerry got more votes? And third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right, it’s question time. Who has a question?”
A different boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
“Steve” he says.
“And what is your question, Steve?”
“I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you resident when Kerry got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth... where’s Bob?"
During a visit to a mental asylum...
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria were defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the cup.”
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
The wedding date was set...
The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed.
The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and, a few days later, each of the groom’s buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SET BACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I’M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!
How do you kill...
How do you kill a cirus?
Go straight for the juggler.
When is...
When is a duck?
Because one of its legs are both the same.
A girl goes to the doctor...
A girl goes to the doctor for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” he asks.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love.”
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?”
A patient arrives at a doctor’s surgery...
A patient arrives at a doctor’s surgery complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks about what happened.
The patient replies “This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. I went in and realised that someone had been in bed with my wife. The balcony door was open so I rushed out but no one was there. As I looked down I saw a man running away dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him…That’s how I strained my back.”
The second patient arrives looking even worse. The doctor says “My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?”
He replied, “Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and woke up late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won’t believe it, but I was hit by a fridge.”
The third patient arrives looking even worse than the other two. The doctor is shocked and again asks what happened.
“I was hiding in a fridge..."
Answering machine messages...
My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling… and I’ll think about returning your call.
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken, this is John’s refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message, and if I don’t call back, its you.
How do you start a race...
How do you start a race in Israel?
Roll a penny down a hill.
Why do programmers...
Why do programmers always use up all the shampoo?
Because the instructions say: apply shampoo, rinse, repeat.
What do you call...
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen
What do you call...
What do you call a chinese woman with one leg longer than the other?
Irene
An American, an Englishman and a Chinaman...
An American, an Englishman and a Chinaman get stranded on a desert island.
The American takes charge, "I'll find water, Englishman, find something to build a shelter, and Chinaman, find some supplies."
So they all go off and the American comes back with some water and the Englishman comes back with some wood.
After a while with no sign of the Chinaman they decide to try and find him. Suddenly he leaps out of the bushes, "Surprise!"
A woman went to hospital...
A woman went to hospital to have a vagina transplant. Unfortunately the operation had to be delayed because the replacement cunt is still reading this message.
Sorry I haven't been in touch...
Sorry I haven't been in touch, there was a black out in our street and the police told us to stay inside until they shot the bastard.
What do you do...
What do you do if you see someone bleeding in the gutter?
Stop laughing and reload.
Paddy buys a bath...
Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that water keeps running out the bottom. The manager asks him if he bought a plug.
Paddy exclaims "You twat, you never said it was electric!"
